Our Dumb Times
Wednesday,
December
25, 2013
BURAK BEKDİL
(All characters and dialogues below are
fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,
is purely coincidental)
Prime Minister: “We must find a
better rhetoric this time. We looked laughable with your
ridiculous intergalactic forces and murder by telekinesis
arguments during the protests.”
(*)
Advisor: “But, Sir, a party poll showed that 74 percent of
the people believed…”
Prime Minister: “Stop it, will you. Find a Jew who should
confess to plotting all this. Promise him a clandestine
escape route after conviction, with our help. Give him
$$$$.”
Foreign Minister: “Sir, I ordered our ambassador in Israel
to put out an ad to newspapers: Secret Job Vacancy – Fat
Salary. Only Mossad called and asked what the hell is going
on. We had mistakenly put the embassy’s phone number to the
ad.”
Prime Minister: “€€€men,(*)
tell our European friends this is the work of Kemalists.
That they want to sabotage our democratic reforms.”
Minister €€€men: “I did, Sir. I also told them how big and
rich we are and that without us they are miserable.”
Prime Minister: “And?”
Minister €€€men: “They smiled, Sir. I think they agreed.”
Interior Minister:(*)
“Prime Minister, Sir, may I…”
Prime Minister: “I didn’t notice you were here.”
Interior Minister: “Sir, our police have just caught a car
thief. The man stacked a shoe box
with a huge load of
cocaine. And two unlicensed pistols. Forensics
say one of the
guns had been used in five unsolved murders.”
Prime Minister: “Why the hell are you telling me of a case
of petty crime?”
Interior Minister: “Sir, the suspect made a scene in front
of cameras. He said this was a Jewish conspiracy. Said he
was a devout Muslim and Mossad had plotted this. He said
everyone in his neighborhood liked him.”
Prime Minister: “So what?”
Interior Minister: “Well… Sir, I mean, perhaps we should
change tactic?”
Prime Minister: “You don’t know anything about your own
country. This tactic always works. We just need to upgrade
it, make small changes. We must change everything so that
nothing changes.”
Advisor 2: “Sir, that’s a great Sicilian quote. As always,
you are absolutely right!”
Prime Minister: “Wait a second. I was told this was a great
Ottoman quote.”
Advisor 2: “Never mind, Sir. Sicilians must have learnt that
from the Ottomans.”
Prime Minister: “Quite, quite.”
Party Spokesman: “Sir, I have an idea. What about making a
statement to change the whole agenda?
To distract…?”
Foreign Minister: “That’s a great idea! What about Syria?
Prime Minister: “You’ll never learn, will you?”
Party Spokesman: “Sir, you can suggest that a new scientific
methodology would be developed to measure one’s piety. Good
(pious) citizens will pay less tax.”
Defense Minister: “Sir, I have good news! Our scientists
have just finished developing an unmanned fighter aircraft
which can cruise underwater and, if necessary, be launched
as a ballistic missile. The weapon system which we called
the Sultan will be ready for test flights and underwater
cruise next week. The only minor snag is that the first
prototype had its rotating turret broken down.”
Prime Minister: “That’s nice. But not good enough. We should
tell the people that we did all that to advance Islam. With
that money we would build mosques, imam schools. We would
help Hamas. We would crush the infidels in Egypt.”
Advisor 2: “Sir, that’s basically what the bank manager told
the prosecutors in explanation of stacks of cash at his
home.”
Advisor 3 (storms into the meeting room): “Wait! I’ve just
got the latest polling results! The findings show that our
party’s popularity has increased by three percentage points
since the scandal erupted!”
Prime Minister: “I knew that our nation was blessed. Long
live democracy! The meeting is over.”
Advisor 1: “Sir, that gives me an idea. Since this is the
situation… I think… Perhaps from time to time we should leak
some scandal to the press? I mean us against us… That will
boost our popularity.”
Prime Minister: “That’s cool.”
Minister €€€men: “Sir, I can volunteer for all aspects of
that difficult task. For the party, of course.”
Prime Minister: “Well done, €€€men!”
ends
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